Make me feel

I want to run through oceans of green littered with the colours of spring – I want to share in its wealth. I want to bike to the top of a clif’s edge, stand in awe, overwhelmed by space and magnificence till nothing else exists. I want to taste determination in the back of my throat as if my lungs could not contain its measure. I want to dream and turn dream to belief, undeniable resolve within self. I want to feel. I want to live and live with all I have.

Ten low days, slow and low, pushed into the corner of remorse and bitter frustration void of usual addictions and escape’isms. I’m enslaved to purpose and direction, to some future fix. I’ve known this in the past and find myself shifting focus to the next goal before a current obsessions matures and I get entangled in a maze of not knowing where to.

Thats been the past ten low n slow days. Not knowing where to. Being who I dont want to be.

The response to I am Broken has been moving – thanks so much for the mails sharing encouragement, personal experience, sympathy and occasional humour. If I’ve not responded to your note, apologies. It was read and much appreciated.

I’ve read:

Outliers – By Malcom Gladwell. An interesting investigation of some anomalies in society. Enjoyed, but a little tedious towards the end.

Raising the Bar – By Gary Erickson. The story of Clif Bar told by the founder and owner. Remarkable, inspiring, and some metaphors to life lessons I could really relate to. Am a fan.

The Invitation – By Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I’ve had the poem for years, and the author expands on her sentimesnt shared after a night of usual superficial social interaction. Powerful. Perhaps the book just met me at the right time and place, but think its timeless and a gem. Soulful and hard to drop – has had a lingering effect.

Notes from a Big Country – By Bill Bryson. Hilarious compilation of columns written to a weekly newspaper publication. Musing about America and all its particular ways. Too funny. Have been laughing out loud.

I’ve watched:

The Hurt Locker, Brothers, Food Inc, King Korn, The Cove, Buddha, Up in the Air, The Lovely Bones, Avatar, The Hangover, Crazy Heart, Adam and Precious (thats the list I can think of right now, might be missing some…). So I think its time to consider going camping in Yosemite?

One of the common advice themes have been to relax, eat what I shouldnt, and forget about training. Relaxing and forgetting about training havent come as easily as ‘eating what I shouldnt’. I am trying to put on some weight and refill reserves. Even had a celebratory beer last night in San Diego – the first in forgettably long. And possibly the most enjoyed. An Oregon Brewery – Sessions premium dark lager.

Celebratory in that I had the opportunity to go down to San Diego and connect with the crew at Triathlete Magazine. Good laughs with some passionate individuals. Most the laughs at my expense, but so it should be. Was great to get me out of hibernation and be packing a bike, and brand new Epic at that.

Symptomatically I am doing better, with a lot more cognitive clarity and less dizziness or head throb. Energy wise it still fluctuates, but the constant yawning as if just not getting in sufficient oxygen is more spotty than last week. My eyes are still twitching on their own mission, goodness knows why, but seems less pained and tired than they were.

All this to convince you, and me, that I’m strengthening, despite not understanding. I am still trying to connect the dots, and piece the puzzle together. Will persist till satisfied. I need to be able to identify where I wronged and how to avoid in the future.

But what I do know, is that I want to feel. I cant go through days apathetic and indifferent to a cause. I want to feel. Feel life beating inside my chest like its too much.